Charlie~ That's what's been going on in our house in the last year and a half. We found out we were pregnant last fall and in June, the third specifically, we welcomed the latest addition to our family. Charles William Durham is a happy, healthy blessing of a boy. He is truely one of the greatest blessings of my life. I was so nervous to have a boy. Never really being around a "little" boy, it was intimidating to think about raising a boy. I mean, I knew what to do with a baby girl, that was easy. But a boy, A BOY! What in the world was I supposed to do with that. How would I feel about having this little guy around? Would I be able to relate to him? Would I actually think he was cute? Little girls are cute from the get-go what with the bows and ribbons and ruffly pink things but a boy? Weren't they just...well, boys? I knew I would love him, but was I going to be able to relate to him? Well, I decided to just leave it to the Lord and let Him prepare me. Everyone I talked to who had a boy said, you just wait, there's something special about boys. Honestly, I had no idea what they were talking about. I mean, I LOVE my girls. At night, I say to them: Abbie, you are the heart of my heart, Aubrie, you are the light of my life. And I mean it. They are more special to me than I ever imagined a child could be and quite frankly, that has not changed a bit. However, there is something new in the mix now. It happened quite unexpectedly and quite instantly on the day that Charlie was born.

I have NO, absolutely NO memory of delivering the girls. I have a pretty crummy memory in general so my sketchy memory of the delivery room I chalked up to just that, crummy memory. But as the date for Charlie's delivery came closer, I talked with my OB/GYN Steve Marks and mentioned not really having any memory of the girls births. He was shocked and said, "We will make sure that you remember this one! If my wife didn't remember the birth of our baby, I would have been in serious trouble. I wouldn't want that to happen to her and I won't let it happen again to you." It was so sweet. That said, I told him that if it came down to it, I'd rather have sketchy memories that clear memories of blistering pain. As it turns out, my anesthesiologist the day of deliver (ironically his name escapes me now) figured out (through his own personal experience) that I have some kind of weird reaction to the anti-nausea medicine that they put in the cocktail for the spinal block and it makes me lose my memory. Well, they put the cocktail in, sans the one drug, and I'm telling you, it was like a whole new experience. Totally new! As I was wheeled into the delivery room I realized exactly how little memory I had of the girls birth. It was as if I had never delivered a baby before. I remembered NOTHING! Everything was new. The sounds, sights, smells...so weird! I knew it was going to be such an exciting experience because I was going to actually remember this baby being born. Problem with that was that it was all so new that I got really nervous...and nautious. Being straped down to a table in the buff, and 40 weeks pregnant, and with lots of people around, and feeling like you are about to lose your lunch is NOT a fun experience. The doctor had to adjust the table so that Charlie rolled over a bit and off of my stomach and then sickness went away pretty quickly. I was so relieved and then they started the procedure to bring our boy into the world. It was weird hearing and smelling all of the sights and sounds of the delivery room. But in what seemed like no time, I heard the sweetest sound ever. A wet, very upset little cry. It was CHARLIE!!! He was here!! Tears from me, tears from Phillip. It was a precious moment.

They lifted my little fella over the sheet so that I could see him and it was as if a ton of bricks hit my heart. I saw him and instantly I heard in my heart: This little guy is yours for a very short amount of time. You get to be his number one for 18 years and then he will leave and be the love of someone else. I'm telling you that if a momma bear's instincts are anything like what set in the moment I saw Charlie, it's no wonder that people use them as examples of fierce love. It was like instant, fierce, gargantuan love. And it was so different from how I connected to the girls. I really feel like falling in love with the girls was a process but falling in love with Charlie was instantaneous. That's not to say that the level of love it different, I'd die for any of my kids, I love them all to pieces but the how, the when of it happening was different. In the end, the depth of love is the same but it was a different beginning all together. He stole my heart the moment I laid eyes on him and I'll never be the same.